The Joke Thread


#1

Airplane talk

A stranger was seated next to a little 5th grade girl on the airplane

when

the stranger turned to her and said, 'Wanna talk?'

I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with

your fellow passenger, the man said quietly.

The little girl, who had just opened her school book, closed it slowly

and

said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

Oh, I don't know, said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?'

OK, she said. 'That could be an interesting topic' But, let me ask you a

question first, said the 5th grader.

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, right?

The man said 'Yes'

The little girl said 'Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow

turns

out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried

grass.

So, why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger thinks about it a minute and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea'.

To which the little girl replies: 'Do you really feel qualified to

discuss

nuclear power when you don't know $ h ! t ?'

Wrong Answer

WIFE:

What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND:

Definitely not!

WIFE:

Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND:

Of course I do.

WIFE:

Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND:

Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:

You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND:

(Makes audible groan).

WIFE:

Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND:

Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE:

Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND:

Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:

Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND:

Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE:

Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND:

That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE:

Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:

No, she's left-handed.

WIFE:

- silence - -

HUSBAND:

F * ck ....


#2

after reading the husband and wife joke i was LMAO :lol:


#3

hahahahah lol.

both are good ones.

btw*topic closed* alert.


#4

kratos24, yeh that might be the case here again. ;)


#5

here is one more,

1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . . . 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi'.

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I

noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'.

I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St.Thomas's Bath

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five

minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.

'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.

'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions

includes removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair , Norfolk General

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?'

After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how was your breakfast this

morning?'

'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . . Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon . Bristol Infirmary.

7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and

wearing strange clothing, entered . . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an

immediate operation... When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .'Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty , KGH London

Dr. wouldn't submit his name


#6

here my fav. one

http://goldenpages.ie/search/ireland/good_looking_women.html


#7

ok here is one

what if he airlines were run by operating system?

Unix Airlines

Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

DOS Airlines

Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ...

Mac Airlines

All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Airlines

The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Airlines

Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Linux Airlines

Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the Seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"


#8

^^

well ruhan after ur so much Linux recomendations i have ordered a ubuntu CD i hope its soon ariving as i ordered it 15 days ago

i ll also be using linux in future


#9

^ cool shoukat

and btw usually it takes a month for the cds to arrive so u may have to wait longer


#10

^ Shoukat it'd be so much faster if you ask a friend (with broadband if you don't have it) to download Ubuntu for you. The CD's take anywhere between 4-8 weeks and sometimes don't get to you at all!


#11

^ hey shoukat that reminds me didnt u have a 2mbit ptcl connection?

so why dont u just download the image?


#12

[quote=", post:, topic:"]

^ hey shoukat that reminds me didnt u have a 2mbit ptcl connection?

so why dont u just download the image?

[/quote]

sorry guys i have ditched DSL after we changed our house now i think it was greatly effecting my studies so i hav no plan to get it again until my FSC is done…


#13

one thing more guys i have the 7.10 version of ubuntu[as my brother gets its cds time to time] but i wana get latest version

and about downloading image i have a net cafe here with a 1mb wateen conection may be i ll go and try there...

but ruhaan can i have windows and linux both at same time....


#14

yes shoukat u can its very easy

and there are two things either u can run linux within widows using a virtualisation software like Virtual Box or Virutal PC

or u cud have 2 partitions for both doin so with the ubuntu installer is very easy


#15

[quote=", post:, topic:"]

yes shoukat u can its very easy

and there are two things either u can run linux within widows using a virtualisation software like Virtual Box or Virutal PC

or u cud have 2 partitions for both doin so with the ubuntu installer is very easy

[/quote]

i think v have derailed thread very much i ll c ya on irc and ask u about it there


#16

com on guys this not a tech thread


#17

one a DESI PAKISTANI went to PUNJAB(INDIA),spent few holidays there and then came back..

a media correspondent asked him.

"what did u see there?"

he replied,

"sab ji,uthay na bunda na bunday di zaat,saray aey SIKH":|


#18

[quote=", post:, topic:"]

sorry guys i have ditched DSL after we changed our house now i think it was greatly effecting my studies so i hav no plan to get it again until my FSC is done…

[/quote]

Good decision shaukat to ditch DSL 'coz of FSC!!!I have been through FSC-PHOEBIA last year…

fsc SUCKS!!!yaar