Need littile explanation about pakistani marriage customs

hello pakistani friends my name is hazim and i am from jordon, i need some information pakistani marriage customs, recently i had the oportunity to visit your beautiful city of lahore to attend of of my friends wedding it was very nice experience but one of the custom of dowry really shocked me, and i couldn't imagine that in a muslim country there would be such a custom.

in arab world , iran, malaysia and in other muslim countries (except pakistan) we have following marriage customs which has been around for centuries.

1) when a man wants to get married he sends his family to womans house to talk about marriage and they finalize it.

2) its mans responsibility before marriage that he furnish his house, buy everyday household appliances and get all everyday stuff what one family would need for average life and doing that by staying within his socio-economic ability.

3) when he has done the above than he notifies the womans (bride) family that he has setup his home, than the bride's family come and inspects the grooms house that if everything is in order. and they give sign of approval. then the marriage ceremonies starts.

4) as for the bride is concerned she brings nothing as its the mans job to provide everything and if he is not capable than he has no business in getting married at the first place.

5) bride could receive gifts from her relatives as one would receive of value like in birthdays etc

it was shocking to see that in pakistan woman brings from spoons to bed to carpets to everything, and it is demanded by the groom that what he wants,where is the morality of and manliness of pakistani groom.

may god have mercy

although i don't endorse everything such...

...but not every society is perfect.

every community has its own customs, that does not happen all over pakistan

"the brides brings everything" custom is the real dark-side of asian culture (sadly i live here too and have seen this custom repeated so many times.

On personal level, the 'wise' ones of us think and even try to bring some change by NOT ACCEPTING anything from bride's side.

I personally am thinking that whenver i marry, i wont demand anything like that from my bride. Afterall, marriage is not some business where you want to take advantage of something or demand stuff that you yourself cant buy or just send loads of stuff with ur daughter/sisters when they are getting married, just to show how rich you are.

brother hazim, our pakistani culture is BADLY effected by INDIAN/European culture and the situation is getting worse day by day. People love to follwo what they see in indian movies/dramas and in hollywood movies (to some extent).

I fear, very soon, we muslims and then (NaghozuBillah) one day we might even lose our islamic identity and get absorbed in the rest of the cultures.

take a small example, over here in Pakistan, ppl feel proud in using ALOT of english vocabulary while talking in URDU/Punajbi/pushto whatever. Now, i've been obsvering this craze is increasing so much so that at times, if you talk in pure URDU etc with no english, or use certain URDU words , instead of using their english words (examples: Imtihaan (examination), parcha (paper)) etc, ppl actually laugh at you... so thats how things are getting along over here :0

its something we borrowed from indians.

many people here are kind of oblivious. they dont question their actions. so they dont realise what theyre doing is wrong.

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“the brides brings everything” custom is the real dark-side of asian culture (sadly i live here too and have seen this custom repeated so many times.

On personal level, the ‘wise’ ones of us think and even try to bring some change by NOT ACCEPTING anything from bride’s side.

I personally am thinking that whenver i marry, i wont demand anything like that from my bride. Afterall, marriage is not some business where you want to take advantage of something or demand stuff that you yourself cant buy or just send loads of stuff with ur daughter/sisters when they are getting married, just to show how rich you are.

brother hazim, our pakistani culture is BADLY effected by INDIAN/European culture and the situation is getting worse day by day. People love to follwo what they see in indian movies/dramas and in hollywood movies (to some extent).

I fear, very soon, we muslims and then (NaghozuBillah) one day we might even lose our islamic identity and get absorbed in the rest of the cultures.

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Completely agree with you mate.

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take a small example, over here in Pakistan, ppl feel proud in using ALOT of english vocabulary while talking in URDU/Punajbi/pushto whatever. Now, i’ve been obsvering this craze is increasing so much so that at times, if you talk in pure URDU etc with no english, or use certain URDU words , instead of using their english words (examples: Imtihaan (examination), parcha (paper)) etc, ppl actually laugh at you… so thats how things are getting along over here :0
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Thats true as well, infact anyone who can hardly speak English tries his/her best to completely communicate in English rather thn Urdu (atleast when they are out and people can see them).

I really hate this concept that people have made up, that Speaking English somehow makes u more educated and a better man.

Im always like WTF? looser! lol

Im not against learning or speaking English where needed. But im against the thinking that NOT knowing English makes you uneducated.

Recently I was shocked to hear my University lecturer say that she thinks English is now our First Language and emphasized that people dont have any value without knowing English. Though i believe she was right to some extent due to the nature of our Pakistani brothers, i couldnt stop myself from debating my point bout how people should not be judged by how much English they know.

IMO Pakistani’s have lost all self respect, thats why they try to do things that other people do to make them look better in someway.

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4) as for the bride is concerned she brings nothing as its the mans job to provide everything and if he is not capable than he has no business in getting married at the first place.
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Yea i think thats how it should be here as well, common…bride bringing in the furniture and #$%# with her? that just doesnt sound right.

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Recently I was shocked to hear my University lecturer say that she thinks English is now our First Language and emphasized that people dont have any value without knowing English.
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Yeah, i think ur teacher is true…i mean a country who literacy rate stands at 28% and whose leaders take OATH in ENGLISH… u can imagine the rest…i mean Gillani should hav read the oath in urdu…that would hav been a slap in mushy ‘The English Pitthu’ face.

Some people give the bride's parents a list of items to be include in the dowry as a condition for the marriage. And I think they need to be shot in the head.

Everyone tends to make its own laws.

dowry is a gift of our common subcontinent history.

At least we , the member of wiredpakistan should promise that we will fight against this curse(dowry).

[quote=", post:, topic:"]

“the brides brings everything” custom is the real dark-side of asian culture (sadly i live here too and have seen this custom repeated so many times.

On personal level, the ‘wise’ ones of us think and even try to bring some change by NOT ACCEPTING anything from bride’s side.

I personally am thinking that whenver i marry, i wont demand anything like that from my bride. Afterall, marriage is not some business where you want to take advantage of something or demand stuff that you yourself cant buy or just send loads of stuff with ur daughter/sisters when they are getting married, just to show how rich you are.

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When I got married 3 years ago, I thought the exact same way. I and my family members are comfortably well off and the ‘greed’ element was totally absent. When the time came I went out of my way to tell my in laws not to give any dowry in any form. I went so far as to say that if something was given it would be returned quickly and perhaps rudely. After that there was a two month silence from them people. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what the the hell happened, they should have been happy right ? Turned out, they had taken it as a insult, that now they would have to ask my permission to give their daughter gifts!! :o

It was explained to me by my wife after the marriage, that the things girls bring as dowry are not just ‘things’ they have emotional attachments to them because their parents gave it to them. I thought hmmm, we’ll see. To test her theory, two years after this conversation when I was sure that she had forgotten about it. I offered to replace the two year old T.V her father gave her at the wedding and replace it with which ever Plasma, LCD that she wanted. I was a little surprised when she outright refused. Why ? I asked, because my parents gave it to me. :o

Lol, life and things are funny for women. I can’t understand being attached to a tv that my parents bought me, I’ll upgrade to a newer one if I get a good deal. Women are different.

Point of this story is the ‘the gifts/dowry are given to and belong to the girl, not anyone else’. While I hate the practice and feel extremely sorry for the people who have to ‘pay’ dowry due to societal pressures, for women it’s a window into their parents home & their own independent wealth.

As far as demanding stuff from the bride’s family, it has no other word except ‘Begharti’

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It was explained to me by my wife after the marriage, that the things girls bring as dowry are not just ‘things’ they have emotional attachments to them because their parents gave it to them. I thought hmmm, we’ll see. To test her theory, two years after this conversation when I was sure that she had forgotten about it. I offered to replace the two year old T.V her father gave her at the wedding and replace it with which ever Plasma, LCD that she wanted. I was a little surprised when she outright refused. Why ? I asked, because my parents gave it to me. :o
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Right you are! My Bhabi Jaan was also offended when we offered to replace some of her dowry furniture with newer one.

I think it’s women’s way to defend something that they consider to be their own in a place that’s not hers. If you replaced the old TV with a newer one, it wouldn’t be hers anymore, it would be her husband’s. Plus she’d lose a souvenir from her parents.

Hey, do women ever consider their husband’s home as their real home?

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At least we , the member of wiredpakistan should promise that we will fight against this curse(dowry).
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There was a guy i knew who always said i wont accept any dowry when i get married because when my sisters got married i saw how hard it was on us. Then last year he got married and i saw him gladly accepting whatever his wife brought with him :)

Isnt it ironic that half pakistan demands dowry, the bride is supposed to fully furnish at least one room. The other half when gets married, the bride’s family asks for a specific sum of money to be paid in order to get married.

(i know my proportions are a little off track, it could be 40-60% or whatever i dont know)

Now plz dont ask me which tribe/cast does that

[quote=", post:, topic:"]

When I got married 3 years ago, I thought the exact same way. I and my family members are comfortably well off and the ‘greed’ element was totally absent. When the time came I went out of my way to tell my in laws not to give any dowry in any form. I went so far as to say that if something was given it would be returned quickly and perhaps rudely. After that there was a two month silence from them people. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what the the hell happened, they should have been happy right ? Turned out, they had taken it as a insult, that now they would have to ask my permission to give their daughter gifts!! :o

It was explained to me by my wife after the marriage, that the things girls bring as dowry are not just ‘things’ they have emotional attachments to them because their parents gave it to them. I thought hmmm, we’ll see. To test her theory, two years after this conversation when I was sure that she had forgotten about it. I offered to replace the two year old T.V her father gave her at the wedding and replace it with which ever Plasma, LCD that she wanted. I was a little surprised when she outright refused. Why ? I asked, because my parents gave it to me. :o

Lol, life and things are funny for women. I can’t understand being attached to a tv that my parents bought me, I’ll upgrade to a newer one if I get a good deal. Women are different.

Point of this story is the ‘the gifts/dowry are given to and belong to the girl, not anyone else’. While I hate the practice and feel extremely sorry for the people who have to ‘pay’ dowry due to societal pressures, for women it’s a window into their parents home & their own independent wealth.

As far as demanding stuff from the bride’s family, it has no other word except ‘Begharti’

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Are u married. WTF ?

[quote=", post:, topic:"]

When I got married 3 years ago, I thought the exact same way. I and my family members are comfortably well off and the ‘greed’ element was totally absent. When the time came I went out of my way to tell my in laws not to give any dowry in any form. I went so far as to say that if something was given it would be returned quickly and perhaps rudely. After that there was a two month silence from them people. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what the the hell happened, they should have been happy right ? Turned out, they had taken it as a insult, that now they would have to ask my permission to give their daughter gifts!! :o

It was explained to me by my wife after the marriage, that the things girls bring as dowry are not just ‘things’ they have emotional attachments to them because their parents gave it to them. I thought hmmm, we’ll see. To test her theory, two years after this conversation when I was sure that she had forgotten about it. I offered to replace the two year old T.V her father gave her at the wedding and replace it with which ever Plasma, LCD that she wanted. I was a little surprised when she outright refused. Why ? I asked, because my parents gave it to me. :o

Lol, life and things are funny for women. I can’t understand being attached to a tv that my parents bought me, I’ll upgrade to a newer one if I get a good deal. Women are different.

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This is an exception rather than a norm

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Hey, do women ever consider their husband’s home as their real home?
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It depends on what kind of girl you end up with. Some consider their husband’s home, home the second they walk in, others take a lifetime and still think of their parents house as home.

@HussanAli Yes, I’m married and I eat little children for breakfast so BOO! ;)

nice discussion.....Pakistani marriage is a way to celebrate love, distribute wedding gifts, enjoy with friends and relatives...